ROCK OF LOVE
Written for the magazine, Athensblur (published June 2008)
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Ah, the sweet stench of reality shows wafting from your television. There are a million of them. Shows about losing weight, dating, fixing-up homes, tattoo artists, airline workers, bounty hunters, people who need interventions and even one about parking maids. Of course, we all know at this point, that there’s almost nothing “REAL” about Reality Television. That is, ever since that one moment during Season One of MTV’s “The Real World,” when they sent the cast to Jamaica. You see there really wasn’t much happening on the show up to that point. So, the producers decided to “create” some “reality” by sending the precocious youngsters to a tropical paradise, where they hoped a little romance would spark between Eric and Julie. In real life, neither of them could’ve afforded to go to Jamaica. Jamaica, Queens maybe. And so the reality in reality shows was dead before it even began.
Now with that said, we ALL have our guilty pleasures when it comes to Reality TV. Mine happens to be VH1’s “Rock Of Love.” Somehow, VH1 became the Dating Channel. “Flavor of Love,” “I Love New York” and “Rock Of Love” are three of the network’s highest-rated shows ever. A place where nearly irrelevant stars can get lots of desperate, sad and fame-hungry girls to fawn and fight over them.
I watched and enjoyed the first season of “ROL” but vowed I wouldn’t watch the second so as not to let my brain go completely to mush. But I gave in. And I’m glad I did. The show is relentlessly entertaining. The formula is simple: Put 20 strippers, rock groupies and wannabes in a mansion for a few weeks, ply them with frat party amounts of alcohol, and between the catfights and the vomiting, watch Bret work his magic. Because let’s face it, these are exactly the kinds of girls he meets on the road so there’s no question that he is in his element and, is more than likely, having sex with most of them (if not all). Bret is picking these girls off like the DC sniper.
Bret claims he wants to find love but how are you really supposed to fall in love with someone in two weeks with cameras in your face? Especially, the hot mess with which he was surrounded. To modify the old Groucho Marx saying, “I wouldn’t want to date anyone who would come on TV to date me.” I mean some of these chicks are borderline retarded.
Most of these women, I’m guessing, just want to be on television and don’t care to fall in love. They’re there to raise hell and their profile. After all, the out-of-control antics of “New York” from Seasons One and Two of “Flavor Of Love” were rewarded with HER own dating show, “I Love New York.” The show was a ratings bonanza.
The biggest problem with Reality TV is that it’s all an illusion. They are living in a fantasy world, which won’t exist once the cameras are turned off. THAT’S when reality really sets in. No more stylists doing your hair and make-up for a dinner with Bret. No more wardrobe people to coordinate your outfits. And what about all those lonely nights at home while Bret is on the road with his traveling party know as Poison?
Not to mention the fact that the show is a competition and part of the drive to date Bret is to beat out the other girls…or at least scratch their eyes out. There’s a great saying in a Jim Thompson novel, “It’s not so much the loss as the losing.” This applies here, big time.
But amidst all the mayhem, I did have some favorites:
Daisy: I don’t want to come down too hard on this girl because I’m sure she’s at least slightly more intelligent than she was portrayed on the show (another falsity of Reality TV…contestants tend to be one-dimensionalized to make them easily identifiable to viewers). I pray that she isn’t as vacant as she appeared. But between the crying jags, the inflatable lips and boobs, the neck stars, and the involuntary physical spasms, I don’t hold out much hope. My guess is I’ll see her backstage sucking face with Stephen Pearcy at the next Ratt show.
Kristy Joe: For some reason, Bret was crazy about this one. A girl in her mid-20’s who had already been married twice and was still married while on the show. Now there’s a recipe for success. Now, I’ve known someone who’s been in this exact situation and a complete breakdown was inevitable. Also, the mole in between her eyes really drove me crazy.
Megan: Megan was easily the prettiest girl on the show but definitely the least enthusiastic. She never seemed to try very hard compared to the other girls. I figured her for an empty head that has gotten by on her looks most of her life. Then I started to think that maybe she was this mad genius (with a body to die for) who tried just hard enough but stayed in the background just enough for the other girls to do themselves in. But then I sobered up and went back to my empty-head theory.
And your Rock Of Love winner is…Ambre. Ambre was, by far, the most genuine suitor-ess of the bunch. She didn’t have the looks of a Megan or the sexiness of a Daisy, but she definitely had the smarts and the drive. Unfortunately, I think she confused her zest to win at all costs for actual love. She was easily more competitive than most guys I know. Hey wait, maybe she’s a… Now that would be a great finale. Bret: Amber, you’re my Rock Of Love. Ambre: Bret, I have a penis.
But my all time favorite is the big dark-haired girl with the bandanna. Oh wait, that was Big John.
In the end, I’m afraid love is nearly impossible to achieve on television. Because of the lag-time between filming the episodes and airing them, the happy couple is forbidden from seeing each other by the All-Mighty Network for several months. That way the ending isn’t blown before the show has finished airing. Yep, just another dose of “reality.” And while Bret may be a good dude, he’s not waiting 6 months to do the “Unskinny Bop” with his Rock Of Love.
Oh well, guess I better get busy making my vow not to watch “ROL” 3.
Don Jamieson’s other guilty pleasures are Polly-O String Cheese, Concert Shirts (I have about 200), Jiffy-Pop Stove-Top Popcorn, Corn Nuts and Mix-Tapes (I have about 200 of those too).